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THE MISSING PARTS
I haven’t spoken to my dad in 30 years.
It seems weird to say that out loud. I mean - 30 years is a long time! He’s still alive. I’m a pretty awesome person. I have two adult daughters who are amazing. Still, he has never made an attempt to reach out to me in all that time.
It’s odd, I know. But, it’s complicated.
As a parent myself, I can’t imagine letting go of my relationship with my kids. If I damaged that relationship in some way, I would work hard to repair it. I would let my kids know I wanted to make things right. I wouldn’t give up.
To be honest, though, I’m glad my dad hasn’t taken that approach. I’m not sure what I would do if he did reach out. What would I say?
HEALING APPROACHES
We all deal with things differently. I know people who struggle their whole lives because of the relationship they have or don’t have with a parent.
Others can just let it go. I think that’s a trait I must share with my dad because we were both just able to let go + not look back.
I recently read The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink. The author talks about one of the most common regrets people have is around estranged relationships - which got me thinking.
Do I have any regrets in relation to my dad? Will I? Will I look back at some point + regret any part of how I handled this relationship?
I can honestly say, no. I do not carry any anger or regret or sadness or guilt with me. The whole situation is very much free of emotion, but THAT’S when I realized something worth sharing.
While I am not missing HIM, I wonder if I might be missing part of ME?
Let me see if I can explain what I mean.
Let’s say you have a disease. There are a few approaches you can take.
You can ignore it. Leave the disease alone or deny it. It will run its course. And, it will probably take you out in the process.
You can kill the disease. (i.e. chemo for cancer or surgery to remove the body part). It’s aggressive, but once you kill it or cut off that body part, chances are, it’s not going to be a problem anymore.
You can take a more natural + holistic approach. You can treat the disease by addressing the root cause + doing all the things to activate the body’s natural healing mechanisms. It requires a lot of faith in the body + the outcome is not certain, but you get to keep all your body parts.
Using this analogy, I can definitely say I tend to take the quick + aggressive treatment approach - especially when it comes to negative relationships.
Just get rid of it. Move on. Life is short.
And, it works.
There’s nothing wrong with choosing that option. Sometimes it’s necessary. Cut out the disease. Live without the body part.
THE MISSING PARTS
The older I get, however, the more I realize how capable I am. Capable of having hard conversations. Capable of dealing with the heart-pounding fear of confrontation. Capable of moving through painful emotions.
Sure, I’m also capable of cutting things off + being just fine. But, I wonder who I would be if I had spent the last 30 years allowing hard conversations + strong emotions to flow through me - rather than around me.
There’s a good question!
I can remember a few conversations in my life where I really leaned into uncomfortable disagreement + debate. Where I spoke my truth + so did the other person. We disagreed. I could feel my heart pounding. I felt like retreating, but I took a deep breath + continued the conversation.
We still disagreed when the conversation was over. But, I felt SO good! (And frankly, so did the other person.)
Yes, I could have spared myself those heart-wrenching emotions by avoiding the conversation. It didn’t have to happen. It didn’t change the outcome. But, it wasn’t about needing to change the outcome. It was about needing to move through the emotions that came up in allowing myself to stand in my own fullness + knowing that was okay.
It’s something to think about. Right?
We are living in a world today where everyone avoids tough conversations. We avoid making others feel uncomfortable. We avoid allowing our full truth to stand out there in front of everyone.
Instead, we just cut each other off. Or rather - we cut off ourselves.
What if we were willing to get a little uncomfortable? To lean in + say what we think or feel?
What part of ourselves might develop from experiencing the full range of emotions that come from disagreement. From expressing ourselves fully.
It’s scary. I get it. We also live in a world where people go off + hurt each other. So, it definitely requires a certain level of discernment.
But, I know there are places where we can trust ourselves to take a conversation further. To lean in. And, I think we owe it to ourselves + to each other to explore those when we can. With more practice, we just might experience a new part of ourselves.
YOUR MISSION:
This week, I challenge you to notice when you ‘shut down’. Where do you cut a conversation short? What have you ‘cut off’? Not so much with the person you cut off, but with yourself?
RESOURCES:
I wanted to share some great resources that have come on my radar recently for those of you in the midst of perimenopause or menopause.
My friend is hosting a FREE Summer Lunch & Learn Series called “Menopause is” on Instagram on Wednesdays. Check out her page + follow along for some great conversations on menopause. Each week, she offers a different topic + set of solutions. This week she talked Migraines. Tune in here to listen + follow her page to catch the next one. (I’m going to be her guest on June 29 - we will be talking about reducing toxins.)
Another great resource I’m following this week + looking forward to is The Menopause Shift Summit. Check it out + register here.
IN SUMMARY:
As a woman in her 50s, I can definitely say one of the best parts of this age/stage of life is getting to experience yourself without all the estrogen - the hormone of caretaking + nurturing that runs a large part of our lifespan.
That said, it also requires some practice! There’s a whole new set of skills required at this stage when you start focusing more on self-nurturing + self-fulfillment.
The good news is that learning is what keeps you growing rather than aging. So, I’m down with all the new learning. And, I’m ready to get uncomfortable more often. You with me?
See you next week?
My approach was always to ignore the hard conversations and adjust, but as an older adult I am less willing to do that. It seems the issue just festers inside and never gets resolved.
Thank you Karen!!! You are wise beyond your years -- maybe you get that from your Momma!!
Fortunately, I don't have to make any of the hard choices. I am lucky!!