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ALL BY MYSELF
I am your classic ‘do-it-yourselfer’. Okay, maybe not so ‘classic’. I’m not crafty or handy. I don’t make homemade soap or candles. I don’t follow DIY blogs or influencers.
But, when it comes to living my life - I am the quintessential DIYer. I tackle things on my own. I don’t ask for help. Honestly, I don’t even think about it. It’s just my natural approach to everything.
I don’t know if this was a learned behavior. My mom gave birth to twins when I was only two years old. I can see how those circumstances could lead to a need to fend for yourself.
Or maybe my DIY tendencies are part of my DNA. Some personality types just tend to go their own way. Lone wolves. Self-motivated.
It doesn’t matter WHY I am this way. It’s just worth noting that I am. I generally don’t ask people for their opinion or invite them into the process when I’m starting something. I just figure it out + go for it.
Our culture rewards + respects this approach to life. Individualism. You do you. Worry about yourself. Mind your own business.
But the older I get, the more I see the flaws in this philosophy. I mean - sure, it’s nice to not be a burden to those around you, but how is that going to work out as you age? Or if you get ill? How can you define a successful life as not being a burden to others?
A FRIEND IN NEED
I don’t know about you, but some of my favorite moments are those when I know I’ve helped someone out. When I have saved someone time or money. When I’ve shown up at the right time with the right words. Or was in a position to help by lending or giving something to a friend. Even a stranger.
It feels good to help someone.
So, why do we try SO hard to make sure no one has to help us? Why would we rob people of this very important human need to feel helpful + useful? Do we not want to give people the opportunity to feel good? To contribute?
I have a feeling that’s probably not our intention. If we are really honest, it probably has more to do with the fear we have that no one wants to help us. That no one will show up for us. Or that we might be rejected if we ask for help.
We hate that dreaded feeling that comes when no one shows up for us. Of being let down.
At some level, we also think we should be able to do it ourselves. And, if we can’t, we are somehow less than. Weak. Needy. Worthless. Failure.
A FRIEND INDEED
In January, I found out my company was launching an incentive program. It was an opportunity to compete for a limited number of spots in an advocacy group going to Washington D.C. later this spring. Something I have been dreaming of doing for years.
For the last six years, I have been working in the clean beauty industry. Our advocacy work is my favorite part of what we do. During this time, I have helped educate others + support laws to protect consumers from harmful ingredients. I have rallied people together to drive a movement to ensure safer products for everyone. I have sent countless emails + made phone calls + met with local legislators to shine a light on the issue of safety (or lack thereof) in this industry - as well as the health + environmental implications.
I felt a longing to be part of this trip when it was announced. This year especially because, for the first time, we have some legislation on the floor that could make a difference. Being part of this trip will be something we look back at with great pride - knowing we had a role in effecting change.
That said, the chances of me pulling off the requirements to earn a spot were slim to none. I wasn’t even going to TRY because I was afraid I couldn’t do it. I would just look foolish for trying. I had a long list of reasons why my chances were so slim. I am just a small fry. I am not an influencer. I don’t have a massive email list. I had no business thinking I could compete with the other amazing women up against me.
That was two months ago. As I write this, I am in the finals for one of these spots! There is a VERY good chance I am going to be part of this group. And, looking back, I realize what a completely whacked perspective I was carrying around with me when this all started.
I allowed myself to think that I couldn’t do it. That I would look crazy for trying. That I would be asking too much.
Luckily, I didn’t let that part of me prevail.
It was NEVER about me + whether I could pull it off. It was about US! Doing this together.
It was about allowing my community to come together. To be part of this legacy. To know THEY were part of something bigger than themselves. That THEY could make a difference. That small actions can have a big impact. That together we can move mountains.
Even people who didn’t care as much about the cause wanted to step up + support ME. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because it FEELS GOOD to help someone. To champion someone who is standing up for something they believe in. To be part of their efforts. To support someone in achieving something beyond their wildest dreams.
How many times do we not do something because we think we can’t? We are too small. Too old. Too limited. Too inexperienced. Or because we might be a ‘burden’ to someone if we ask for their help?
We don’t even put ourselves out there because we are so afraid of failing or asking for support. When in reality - we are missing out on an incredible opportunity to connect with others - to deepen relationships - to make new connections - to give others the opportunity to support + champion.
When we get to the end of our lives, I can promise you we will NOT be thinking about all of the great things we accomplished. We won’t. None of it will matter.
What WILL matter + what we WILL be thinking about is who will miss us. Who we will miss. The connections we had. The times we helped each other out. The feeling of being supported + loved.
If you’re like me + have that tendency to do things yourself (or to NOT do things because you don’t think you can), maybe it’s time to let go of the DIY Lie. Maybe you need to practice doing things a new way. Together.
You don’t have to do it alone. Stop trying to prove you can.
YOUR MISSION:
This week, I challenge you to let someone help you. Accept help when it is offered. Or better yet, ask for help. Start with something small. And, instead of feeling guilty about it, notice the gift it brings to the person who is helping.
IN SUMMARY:
The older we get, the more help we will need. What if instead of reaching that stage with a heavy burden of guilt + a built-in resistance to accepting help, we were able to feel light about it? To be familiar + comfortable with that feeling? Without the fear of being let down? Or left alone?
The best way to reduce fear is to face it head-on. The more we practice allowing + welcoming support in our lives now - the less we will fear the possibility of rejection in the future. We will have witnessed the magic of how people show up at just the right time so many times that we expect it. Without fear. We will naturally trust that support will always be there for us. It will be more than enough + it will feel good for both sides.
If we don’t practice this now in small ways, we will find ourselves in an urgent situation wondering - fearing - how we will ever be able to tackle it on our own. When that was never the intention to begin with. DIY was a lie all along.
See you next week?
This hit home with me big time!
My life coach gave me the “homework assignment” of making a list of people to ask something of.
I made it a calendar reminder that pops up weekly to remind me that this is important and most weeks I don’t take any action where this is concerned.
You are so right in that this isn’t easy. But the more this reminder pops up, the more I’ve been getting used to the idea and have finally started taking some steps to do this.
It’s actually pretty nice to receive support, and you’re right, when we’re in the position to help others it brings us joy. :)