The Stories We Tell Ourselves

And finding truth

Aug 06, 2023

Welcome to a new week!

So many great stories + truths to share with you from this week. Should I share my experience around the Barbie movie I saw on Tuesday? Or perhaps around the death of my father on Sunday? Life gives us lots of material to choose from, doesn’t it?

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STORYTELLERS

As a writer, I love a good story. Crafting it. Writing it. Sharing it.

Of course, the truth is, we are all storytellers. It’s what being a human is all about.

Stuff happens. We craft a story around it. We apply meaning + emotion + background.

Some stories we keep to ourselves. Others we share. But we are constantly storytelling.

We do it so automatically that sometimes we don’t realize we’re doing it.

And, we are so convincing with our stories that we actually think they are true.

We forget we made them up.

Meaning + emotion + background overtake the actual facts.

BARBIE

I am truly fascinated with the Barbie phenomenon going on right now. Are you?

I grew up with Barbie. Between my two sisters + me, we had quite a collection.

I remember one day we gathered every Barbie we owned so we could hold a ‘Barbie Convention’.

We got them all dressed + lined them up in rows. I have no idea what topic we covered or who the speakers were, but it was quite an event!

What I remember most from that day was the group picture we took of them (no idea where that picture is now except in my own mind).

Seeing them all together. Wow! It was a LOT of Barbies. Maybe 30? Maybe more?

As I watched the Barbie movie this week, I had a lot of flashbacks.

Tuesday Taylor with a swivel head to make your choice of brunette or blonde
Growing up Skipper who grew breasts when you twisted her arm
We had quite a few ‘weird’ Barbies, too (as if these others were not weird enough). We were constantly cutting their hair + doing their makeup with markers.

I probably owe quite a bit of my storytelling skills to Barbie + the countless hours we spent together.

Of course, I don’t really know that. I actually don’t remember too many details about my Barbie escapades or what I learned from them. I could certainly make up some stories (and probably will). All I know for sure is that we had a lot of Barbies between the three of us + we did get them all out one day for a convention.

DAD

I don’t know if my dad spent his hard-earned money on all of those Barbies. Maybe they were gifts from other family members? I have no idea where we got all of them.

I grew up thinking we didn’t have a lot of money, but our Barbies had plenty of clothes + cars + I know that stuff costs money. Maybe we had more than I thought? I’m not sure. I could create all sorts of stories in my mind about all of that. See how we do?

This week when I got word of my dad’s passing, I was standing by the water - taking in this view. Immediately, I started to create a story around that.

I think it’s natural to want to put together a story around people’s lives.

Even though I haven’t talked to my dad in 30 years, I still stopped to remember him. I tried to think of some good memories. Some story I could tell.

If I’m honest though, I couldn’t really remember any. Which I’m sure sounds really sad. And, I guess it is. But, it’s just the truth. I was 25 when I last saw him.

When I think back to all of those Barbie years, I don’t really remember him as an active player in my life - just somewhere in the background.

I also don’t recall the details of how we ended our relationship. I don’t remember being angry. Just frustrated + exhausted. I was done playing games. I decided it was time to let go. I was going to focus on building my own family - differently.

After that, I moved on.

I didn’t carry bad feelings from it. I didn’t label it as sad or right or wrong. I didn’t spin a story out of it to carry forward or lament over for the rest of my life. I didn’t blame him or hate him or feel sorry for him.

I just let it be what it was. Without a story.

Perhaps my greatest lessons around storytelling actually came from him.

You don’t have to have a story for everything.

TRUTH

After 30 years, any story I would conjure around my dad right now would be totally made up based on my own perceived reality. I don’t have enough memories + would have no way of being certain of the facts. Sure, I could make up something, but I prefer stories that hold truth.

The truth is, we have a hard time separating our stories from the facts.

We all do it.

We tell ourselves stories about what someone did to us or how things should be different. We tell ourselves stories about what’s wrong with us or why we can’t do something. We tell ourselves stories about what matters + what doesn’t.

We give meaning + emotion + background to why something is or isn’t the way is ‘should’ be.

We forget that we made it up + that we can make a different story if we choose.

We can also just choose to see things for what they are - without a story.

CONFUSION

There’s a big difference between telling a story + recounting a situation - even though sometimes we use the same word. I think that’s why we get confused between our stories + our situations.

Things happen. When we retell the facts of that situation or circumstance we call that a story. But, it is really more of an account. It’s just sharing what happened. Telling the story. We can’t change that stuff. It is what it is. In fact, if we make up details while recounting a situation, we are lying.

But, there’s another sort of storytelling we do when we take that account/story + give it meaning or try to make sense of it. While this isn’t lying, it’s not exactly the truth either.

When we craft a story around a situation or circumstance - that’s the part of the story that is ours. The part we can change at any time. The emotion. The background. The meaning.

We live our lives around the stories we tell ourselves. The stories we tell each other.

We apply the meaning. We determine whether it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

But sometimes, we forget which parts are the actual situation + which parts are the story.

Giving yourself the space + awareness to recognize the difference - is a great gift.

We can’t change the truth of the situation, but we can certainly eliminate a lot of angst in just letting something be what it is - instead of what we think it should be.

Yes, we need our stories. That’s part of what makes us human. It is how we create. It’s how we connect. But, we have to realize that we are not our stories. We are the creator of the stories. That’s a big difference!

Which brings me back to the Barbie movie. When she realized the story of who she was, she was able to let it go + expand into something else.

PRACTICE

It is our story around situations that creates the joy or the pain of it. We get to decide.

And yes, we can create a story around it if it helps soothe that pain or heighten the joy.

But, we can also just let it be what it is + move on.

Some things don’t make sense. We don’t have to place meaning on everything. Or carry the memory of it forever.

If you have a situation in your life that is bringing anxiety, sadness or anger - see if you can separate the story from the situation.

One of my favorite tools is The Work by Byron Katie. I’ll include a link in the resources below. She developed a process of self-inquiry that involves asking four simple questions about each belief that causes us pain:

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?

I have used this process for different situations throughout my adult life - including accepting the loss of my dad 30 years ago.

It’s very powerful. I highly recommend you check it out. It will help you separate the story from the truth so you can get unstuck + back to the real world.

YOUR MISSION:

This week, when you find yourself frustrated with someone or with what is or how things ‘should’ be - check your story + find what’s really true. It’s something you can do for the smallest frustration or the biggest loss. When you let go of your story, the truth really does set you free.

RESOURCES:

READ: Four Liberating Questions | The Work of Byron Katie
READ: What to do when things are not as they should be | The LIFT

IN SUMMARY:

We create so much stress for ourselves + our bodies by clinging too tightly to stories that we create + carry with us. Or by trying to craft a story we can live with from a fact we can’t live with.

Every chance you get to relieve a bit of stress is a chance to live a little better. It’s definitely worth any effort you give it.

See you next week?

You can learn more about me + my work on my website or follow along with me on Instagram @itMayBeMenopause

Meanwhile - you can read thru the archives here. And, please reach out to me anytime!

Email: karen@itmaybemenopause.com
Instagram: @itmaybemenopause

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