Have you ever noticed that when you set a big goal - almost immediately something in life shows up that completely derails your efforts? It’s almost comical - except that it’s not!
I announced a big goal last week + if you knew the behind-the-scenes of my life this last week, you’d be flabbergasted I can assure you. But here we are. A week later. Making progress. Together. Thanks for being here.
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LET’S GET HONEST
When it comes to goals + resolutions, there are basically two messages out there:
Cancel Resolutions!
Crush your goals this year!
Last week, we talked a little bit about why we shouldn’t ‘cancel’ or ‘opt out’ of resolutions. The whole ‘new year, new me’ song + dance has gotten old for all of us. We don’t need a ‘new me’ - we just need some inspiration to continue growing. Believing in better. Creating. Getting back on track.
That said, if the only other option besides ‘canceling resolutions’ is to ‘crush them’, that doesn’t feel like much of a choice either.
We were taught to set our goals. Plot our path. Power through. Put up our blinders + not let anything get in the way. Dig deep. Never give up. Keep your eyes on the prize. NO PAIN. NO GAIN.
Sound familiar?
We were told willpower was the answer to everything. We could use it to change our lives. Shapeshift our bodies. Conquer any goal.
Maybe that worked in our 20s or 30s. (I’m not sure it really did, but we tried.)
Here’s the fundamental problem.
You can’t will yourself to do something you don’t want to do. You truly can’t. And, I’m betting that the older you get, the more you realize this.
I used to be able to make myself do things I thought I ‘should’ do or was ‘expected’ to do. But, something about this stage of life. Once I hit my 50s, I CANNOT make myself do something I don’t want to do. I just can’t. Try as I might.
I think that’s one of the beautiful things about growing older. You get a lot more clear on what you want + don’t want. And, you get a lot more honest + open about it. Am I right?
RETHINKING WILLPOWER
Willpower is a powerful thing. It really is. It can get you off the dime + moving forward. But, it will only get you so far. (And - it’s always a little disappointing when you realize HOW far because it’s never as far as you’d like to think.)
You’ve probably heard it said that we only have a limited amount of willpower. This is supposed to explain the phenomenon of how we tend to make bad choices at the end of the day - when we are tired + depleted. It’s why we can only ‘will’ ourselves for a limited time before we ‘use up’ our limited daily supply.
But - did you know that this theory has actually been debunked? We had it all wrong.
Willpower is actually more like an emotion - than a finite resource. Much like joy or anger, willpower is something that ebbs + flows rather than depletes.
When you think of willpower this way - it’s kind of a gamechanger. If willpower is an emotion, then much like our other emotions, it is giving us guidance + insight into what’s going on inside. It can help us know when we are off track.
We can power through tasks that we don’t enjoy for a while, but we’ll never be our best if we ignore what our feelings are telling us.
We can certainly use willpower to power through something we don’t want to do, but when it comes to our goals + dreams, if we are relying on willpower to get us through, maybe it’s time to ask ourselves why are we trying so hard to do something we simply don’t want to do? Is there another path that would get us to our result without hating it every step of the way or having to ‘power through’?
NEW STRATEGY FOR GOAL SETTING AFTER 50
If willpower + resolve + focus + determination have been the way you approach goals + it’s not getting you where you want to go - maybe it’s time for a new approach.
Setting goals at our age has to look a little different.
Okay, a LOT different!
Instead of pushing + striving + suffering, here are five new strategies that just might change the game this year.
TRUTH: All progress starts with the truth. When you set a goal, make sure it is something you TRULY want. YOU. Not someone else in your life. YOU. Gone are the days when you try to do something because you think you’re ‘supposed’ to or should. If you don’t really want it, you’ll never get there.
PROCESS: Forget the adage “Keep your eyes on the prize.” Instead of fixating on the finish line, focus your energy on the small steps that will take you to the finish line + trust the process. You have to love the process even more than the destination. And, don’t forget there are MANY paths to your destination. Find one you can LOVE.
LISTEN: Listen to your emotions. Don’t ignore them or bury them. Use them as part of your mapping system. Your emotions are there to guide you. If you can’t muster the willpower to do something, listen to that. It’s feedback. Maybe it’s time for a new path. Or a new goal entirely.
ADJUST: Make adjustments. Revisit your goal. Edit. Look at alternate routes. Find enjoyable paths. Infuse the journey with joy + pleasure. Let go of pursuits that are not bringing you joy. Changing your mind isn’t failure. It’s life. YOUR life. Edit as needed.
CONNECT: A lot of what keeps us from our goal is simply a lack of know-how. We get overwhelmed trying to figure out the ‘right path’ or ‘a path’ or even our next step. We forget we are not alone on our path. Ask questions. Rally support. Get a buddy to join you. If you don’t have one, find one. It’s easier than ever to connect with others + something about locking arms in pursuit of a goal, creates a powerful multiplier effect.
The beauty of this approach is that when life events come along that take you off course, you can easily find your way back to your goal. You don’t give up as quickly. You just dust off + get back to it. It also allows you to pursue your goals without giving up your life in the process.
OLD THINKING vs. NEW THINKING
Here are some new ways to replace old thoughts:
OLD: Where there’s a will there’s a way.
NEW: There are lots of ways to get there. Find one that excites you.OLD: Power through.
NEW: It’s the journey, not the destination. It’s who you become in pursuit of your goal. Not the goal itself.OLD: Put up your blinders. Don’t let anything get in the way.
NEW: Notice the feedback. Is there a path that you can take that offers less resistance?OLD: Never give up.
NEW: Change your mind if you want to. Sometimes in the pursuit, we discover we are seeking a different destination.OLD: Keep your eyes on the prize.
NEW: Focus on the smaller steps + habits that will get you to your destination, rather than the destination itself.OLD: No pain. No gain.
NEW: You don’t have to suffer in pursuit of your goals. You can enjoy the process.
What do you think? Anything you would add?
JOURNEY VS. DESTINATION
Whatever your goal - health, fitness, finance, personal development, business - there are countless paths to get you there. But, if you don’t love the path, the odds of you reaching your goal are greatly diminished.
If we would spend more time finding the path we love, creating the habits that will lead us to the results, and less time trying to ‘will’ ourselves to the results, we would encounter so much less resistance + so much more success.
It’s not as much about achieving the goal as it is about the person we become while pursuing the goal.
The growth that takes place when we stretch ourselves. When we reach for something bigger. Something we don’t know how to do. That’s where the magic happens. That’s the journey vs. destination.
Have you ever noticed that half of the fun of a vacation is the planning? Setting a date, choosing the destination, designing the itinerary, researching, planning, talking about it with friends.
That’s how any goal should feel. You should be in love with planning for it. Designing the steps to get there.
If you’re wrestling with yourself to move forward with something in your life. If you’re feeling stuck. If you are frustrated with yourself for not making progress on something. Maybe instead of ‘digging deep’ + ‘powering through’ + beating yourself up along the way…it might be time to dig deep + ask yourself some honest questions:
Do I really want this? And, why?
Is this the right path for me?
Can I accomplish this with less resistance?
What if it was easy? What would that look like?
Do I need help to get there? Who can I bring along with me?
YOUR MISSION:
Did you set a goal or intention for the new year? Is there an area of your life you want to improve this year? How much time have you put into plotting + planning the journey? Do you have it mapped out? Are you excited about it? Is your goal something you are pushing or is it something that is pulling you? Have I asked enough questions? LOL.
RESOURCES:
READ: Have We Been Thinking About Willpower the Wrong Way for 30 Years? | Harvard Business Review
READ: Achieving Goals Beyond Age 50 | Psychology Today
READ: 3-2-1: On systems vs. goals, identity-based habits, and the lessons of life | James Clear
READ: Atomic Habits | James Clear
IN SUMMARY:
Wherever you are sitting right now reading this, whether you are dipping your toe into a new idea or ready to dive in + realize a big dream, please remember how precious + short life truly is. Enjoy the journey. Especially this part. Right here. Right now.
See you next week?
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