The secret to any long-term relationship
And why it's not worth chasing
This story won’t make much sense if you didn’t read last week’s LIFT, so you might want to take a quick peek at that before you dive in here.
I had a funny exchange with my husband this past week that I had to share. I always send him a copy of The LIFT to read before I publish it. He does a great job of catching typos + any phrases that need editing.
His response after reading last week’s post:
Good message!!! Didn't find anything. Your art moves me.
That last phrase stopped me in my tracks. “Your art moves me.” Wow. I had no idea. Really? He was moved? Art? What a nice thing to say about my writing.
That said, it just didn’t sound like him. So I replied:
It does? Where did you get that phrase? That’s a new one. But I like it!
His response?
#62
I had a good chuckle at that. It all made sense now. You see, he was referring to #62 from the article I shared in the resources section of last week’s LIFT - “99 Compliments To Give Someone (That Aren’t About Appearance)”. He grabbed that compliment from the list - #62.
Hey, at least I know he’s reading + checking all the links for you! LOL.
After 31 years of marriage, I know him so well. But, little moments like this make me realize the power of words + trying new things.
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THREE DECADES
32 years together. 31 years of marriage. It’s crazy to think my husband + I have lived more of our lives together than we lived separately. In fact, we have been pretty inseparable ever since we met.
We’re that kind of couple that does everything together. We are ALWAYS together.
Some would say that’s an unhealthy thing for a relationship. I get it. I mean, what do you talk about when you are never apart? What stories could you possibly tell to someone who was standing right there as it happened?
We know each other’s stories so well, we can finish each other’s sentences. We know when one of us has pulled a phrase out of a list of 99 compliments + tried to pass it off as organically our own.
Still - somehow our relationship continues. We find ways to keep having fun.
Friends often ask us - What’s our secret to such a long-lasting relationship?
We never know how to respond. Every time we get that question, we look at each other + kind of shrug. What IS the secret?
One day it hit me.
The secret.
The secret to ANY long-term relationship.
Four little letters.
T.I.M.E.
(What? You thought I was going to say LOVE?)
I think most relationships have LOVE. Love is what starts any relationship. It’s what brings you together. It’s something you foster every day.
I remember early on in our relationship I had a talk with myself. You see, this whole idea of LOVE was a little scary. At 23 years old, what did I know about love? My parents had recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. I had only experienced a couple of relationships at that point. I didn’t know anything at all about partnership or marriage or how stages of life impact relationships.
What I DID know is that I was setting myself up for a whole lotta hurt if it didn’t work out. I knew there was a risk involved. I knew that allowing myself to be this deeply connected to someone was some scary stuff!
And, I remember deciding that day that I was strong enough. I decided if I ever lost him, if he ever let me down, I would be okay. I decided love was a risk I was willing to take + I would survive any outcome. I knew that somehow, someway, I could survive any pain that might come.
At 23, I wasn’t thinking about midlife or empty-nesting or retiring or aging or any of that. I wasn’t even thinking about children or family at that stage. I was just thinking about getting started. Carving a path together.
On our first anniversary, we found out I was pregnant. I remember this because we had planned a weekend escape to Cambria + Hearst Castle. We had just found out a few days prior that I was pregnant + I was SO sick that whole trip. I remember walking the grounds of the castle + trying to enjoy the experience, but I was miserable.
That little munchkin came into the world on February 10, 1993 - three decades ago. We just celebrated her 30th birthday this weekend. Crazy! My oldest child is now 30.
I remember a few days after she was born, while I was getting used to this whole idea of being a mom, I was sitting there staring at her realizing that this was not ‘my baby’.
At some level, I must have thought a baby was somehow ‘yours’ - an extension of yourself. But, no. This was another human being. This was something completely beyond me. A whole new life. It was an incredible responsibility.
I also remember panicking a bit as I realized how deep my love for her was.
Much like that moment I had had with myself after falling in love with my husband, I knew this was a kind of love I had never experienced. This baby cracked open a level of vulnerability I had never known. I knew if I ever lost her, if I somehow failed + let her down, it would be a pain I didn’t know if I could handle.
And, much like that conversation I had had with myself before about love, I decided then + there that I could handle it. I decided love was a risk I was willing to take + I would survive any outcome or failure. I would be okay. We would be okay. We would figure it out together.
Three decades now I have lived with this sort of love in my life + I’m so glad I said yes. It all could have gone in another direction, but it didn’t. I have a life partner who shows up for me every day. I have grown daughters who fill me with so much love + pride. Somehow we all made it here - together. Three decades.
That’s the magic of time.
NO SECRETS
So back to that ‘secret’ ingredient - TIME.
The truth is - we don’t really get to choose the amount of time in any relationship. It’s not something we get to control.
What we DO control is that decision to love. Now. Today.
To start the clock.
To love ourselves enough. To trust ourselves enough.
To open ourselves to what might really hurt someday so we can enjoy that connection with someone for however long it lasts.
TIMELESS LOVE
This week, I had the opportunity to spend time with my mom + her dear friend.
These two have been friends 60+ years! I’m sure when they met in high school back in Kansas, they had no idea they would one day be sitting in Southern California eating ice cream together still enjoying their lifelong friendship.
You just never know.
You can have love for a minute, a day, a year or decades. And, you should! Grab it when it comes. Allow it in. Enjoy it. Don’t be afraid. Don’t complicate it.
Life is too short to say no to love. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll be okay. You’re strong like that. You are.
And, when you show up every day, ready to love, ready to risk your own ego, to let down your guard, to show your imperfections + be open to any pain that comes with it, you just might get to experience time together. Maybe a short time. Maybe a long time.
How do you get to three decades together?
One day at a time.
Is it all glamorous? No.
Is it special? Yes.
I will say there is something magical about time. The more time you spend together, the more experiences you have. The more stories you collect. The more memories you share.
It’s one of the things I LOVE about getting older. More TIME. More memories. More moments. More learning. More magic. More love.
Of course, more time also opens you to more risk. More pain. More loss.
That’s where I continue to come back to that conversation with myself. Reminding myself that no matter what happens, I will be okay.
We are capable of more love than we realize. We put a lot of energy into protecting + guarding ourselves from potential hurt + pain. Meanwhile, time passes.
You don’t need time. All you need is love.
Rumi had it right when he said:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek + find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
YOUR MISSION:
This week, I challenge you to think about where you block yourself from love. Where do you guard your heart? Maybe this Valentine’s Day - you can make some love. The clock is ticking.
RESOURCES:
WATCH: 8 Rules of Love with Jay Shetty & Brendon Burchard | This was a great conversation around Jay Shetty’s newest book. Whether you’re talking about new love, old love or self-love - there’s something in this conversation for everyone.
READ: 8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go | Jay Shetty
IN SUMMARY:
It’s interesting how we see long-lasting relationships as ‘success’. But, time is not the measure of love. Love lives beyond time + measure.
We also tend to forget that love is not something you get from someone. It’s something you give. And, it’s in the giving of love that you receive it. So - take that chance + give a little love this week.
See you next week?
Meanwhile - you can read thru the archives here. And, please reach out to me anytime!
Email: karen@becounter.com
Instagram: @redefiningkaren
Hi Karen, Thanks so much for subscribing to the newsletter. It was born out of my struggle with his dementia and then death. The articles were and remain instrumental to the healing. It took a long time for me to understand that love and pain can coexist. I truly enjoy reading your posts.
My husband and I were married for 62 years before he died. We met when we were 12 - he was the boy down the street - and got married when we were 19. I don't think we blocked our love for each other. Yet having that love for so long and then not having him here is more painful than I could have imagined. Yet, as I write that - my love for him remains strong.