A few months ago, I was at a local brewery where my husband + I were meeting our ‘kids’ on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
Anyone with grown children can attest to the joy you feel on those days when you all get to be together at the same time. It’s such a treat!
It was a warm day. The location was close enough that we rode our tandem bike. So, I had on my favorite athletic shorts, t-shirt + tennies. Total casual. Borderline slob.
While waiting for the girls + all the grand-puppies to arrive, I was moving chairs around to make sure we had enough seats at our outdoor table when a woman approached me + said:
“Wow! Look how slim you are! I just want to throw a bagel at you!”
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EAT YOUR BAGELS
I sort of paused for a second in disbelief. Did she really just say that? Was that supposed to be a compliment? A joke? How do I appropriately respond?
Thankfully, I didn’t have any quick answers to the questions in my head + she hadn’t actually asked me a question, so no response was needed.
I just smiled + went about my business.
Gotta love people who live completely filter-free. Must be nice! LOL.
After the shock of the moment passed, it got me thinking. Here is this gal - not much older than me, ironically slimmer than me - throwing words at me as if they were bagels. I couldn’t help but wonder, if she’s talking to total strangers this way, I can only imagine how she is talking to herself.
Last week, I was sharing thoughts with you about how we talk both to ourselves + to each other about ‘getting old’. We don’t realize how our words create our reality. They linger. They cut + bruise. They also uplift + embrace.
Words have power. We can use them to generate love or hate. To hurt or to heal.
Like they say:
Sticks + stones may break my bones, but words will cut me to my core + live rent-free inside my head for years to come.
So - I ask you, how do you speak to yourself?
Have you ever stopped to listen? (We are listening all of the time, of course, but have you ever stopped to REALLY listen?)
Most of us have learned how to be gentle with our words with others, but we are so violent when speaking to ourselves.
You may have learned that it’s not appropriate to approach a stranger about wanting to throw a bagel at them. But, I’ll bet you’ve said something like that to yourself. Or AT yourself.
As a skincare + cosmetics consultant, I sit with women in front of mirrors all the time + I am continually shocked to hear the words that come out of their mouths as they look at themselves. It breaks my heart.
Is this really how you talk to yourself? Do you hear what you just said?
Why would you say something so hurtful to yourself?
USE YOUR WORDS
Look, I know I sound preachy in this post + I don’t mean to. I just really wish we would stop the nonsense. Because…we can.
Stop downgrading yourself. See yourself for the beautiful soul that you are. There is no one else like you on the planet! No one! It’s amazing!
This body we live in is temporary. It’s ever-changing. Women in particular should know this. We are the ultimate shape-shifters! If you’ve been pregnant you know the unbelievable shape-shifting throughout that stage. It’s both horrifying + beautiful at the same time. Like so many stages of life.
We really should spend more time marveling. The metamorphosis we live through. Our ability to change. The beauty of it all.
I think if we did, our words would be very different.
Wonder. Awe. Curiosity. Surprise. Reverence. Respect. Admiration.
These feelings generate very different language, right? What would it be like to talk to ourselves with these feelings in mind? What words would we use?
Kindness starts inside. The way we talk to ourselves is the way we carry ourselves in the world. It’s the way we create kindness in the world.
The reverence we have for ourselves is what we give to others. So, whatever you are saying to yourself, you are saying to others. You may have trained yourself to keep it to yourself, but it’s still there. And, someday, you might accidentally throw it out at someone like a bagel.
You don’t want that. No one wants that. LOL!
The truth is, you can learn to talk nicely to yourself - just like you’ve learned to talk nicely to others. And, today would be a great day to start.
HOW TO TALK NICE TO YOURSELF
Treat yourself like a friend. Be excited + genuinely grateful to see yourself in the morning. Give yourself a high five!
Catch yourself. Just like your mother probably corrected you as a child when you said something that wasn’t nice. Catch yourself in the act of being mean to yourself. Apologize + then correct what you said. Replace it with something nicer.
Protect yourself. Get rid of outside influences that feed your negative self-talk. If you’re caught in the comparison trap, step away. Our entire world is set up to create gaps that need to be filled. Remind yourself that you are already enough.
Listen closely. What do you need today? How are you feeling? What can you do for yourself? How can you give yourself a little hug? Be your own best friend.
We can all agree the world needs a little more kindness. The more kindness you have with yourself, the more you can share with others. So, let’s be kind.
YOUR MISSION:
This week, I challenge you to be nice. Use your words to create acceptance + love. Both for yourself + those around you.
When you see your reflection, say something nice to yourself. I also challenge you to say something nice to another woman in your life this week. Not about her looks, just something nice that has nothing to do with how she looks. If you don’t know how to do that, there’s a great article in the resources below to get you started.
If you’d like to share how you practice kindness with yourself, please leave a comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
RESOURCES:
READ: 99 Compliments To Give Someone (That Aren’t About Appearance) | The Good Trade
READ: How to Love your Aging Face | The LIFT
READ: One Simple Habit that Can Change your Life | The LIFT
IN SUMMARY:
Words are powerful. They are magnetic in the way they draw things to you + repel things away from you. So, listen close. It’s easy to trick ourselves into thinking we are ‘thinking positively’ when in fact, we are doing the opposite. How do you know? Look around. What’s coming at you right now? Positivity or negativity? The good news is you can start to shift it right now.
See you next week?
Meanwhile - you can read thru the archives here. And, please reach out to me anytime!
Email: karen@becounter.com
Instagram: @redefiningkaren
I'm quite kind but will work to be Very Kind to myself. I always look forward to the Sunday morning Lift. You Miss Karen, are a phenomenal writer, thanks!!!